Moreover, I wished to see whether you would seek me if I shunned you-but you did not; you kept in the schoolroom as still as your own desk and easel; if by chance I met you, you passed me as soon, and with as little token of recognition, as was consistent with respect.
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Your habitual expression in those days, Jane, was a thoughtful look; not despondent, for you were not sickly; but not buoyant, for you had little hope, and no actual pleasure.
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I wondered what you thought of me, or if you ever thought of me, and resolved to find this out.
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"I resumed my notice of you.
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There was something glad in your glance, and genial in your manner, when you conversed: I saw you had a social heart; it was the silent schoolroom-it was the tedium of your life-that made you mournful.
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I permitted myself the delight of being kind to you; kindness stirred emotion soon: your face became soft in expression, your tones gentle; I liked my name pronounced by your lips in a grateful happy accent.
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I used to enjoy a chance meeting with you, Jane, at this time: there was a curious hesitation in your manner: you glanced at me with a slight trouble-a hovering doubt: you did not know what my caprice might be-whether I was going to play the master and be stern, or the friend and be benignant.
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I was now too fond of you often to simulate the first whim; and, when I stretched my hand out cordially, such bloom and light and bliss rose to your young, wistful features, I had much ado often to avoid straining you then and there to my heart."
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"Don't talk any more of those days, sir," I interrupted, furtively dashing away some tears from my eyes; his language was torture to me; for I knew what I must do-and do soon-and all these reminiscences, and these revelations of his feelings only made my work more difficult.
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"No, Jane," he returned: "what necessity is there to dwell on the Past, when the Present is so much surer-the Future so much brighter?"
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I shuddered to hear the infatuated assertion.
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"You see now how the case stands-do you not?" he continued.
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"After a youth and manhood passed half in unutterable misery and half in dreary solitude, I have for the first time found what I can truly love-I have found you.
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You are my sympathy-my better self-my good angel.
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I am bound to you with a strong attachment.
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I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wraps my existence about you, and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one.
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"It was because I felt and knew this, that I resolved to marry you.
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To tell me that I had already a wife is empty mockery: you know now that I had but a hideous demon.
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I was wrong to attempt to deceive you; but I feared a stubbornness that exists in your character.
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I feared early instilled prejudice: I wanted to have you safe before hazarding confidences.
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This was cowardly: I should have appealed to your nobleness and magnanimity at first, as I do now-opened to you plainly my life of agony-described to you my hunger and thirst after a higher and worthier existence-shown to you, not my resolution (that word is weak), but my resistless bent to love faithfully and well, where I am faithfully and well loved in return.
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Then I should have asked you to accept my pledge of fidelity and to give me yours.
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Jane-give it me now."
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"Why are you silent, Jane?"
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