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I dismissed Philip, and fell on to my bed.

I did not sob, I did not give myself up to despair; I did not ask myself when and how this had happened; I did not wonder how it was I had not guessed it before, long ago; I did not even upbraid my father...

What I had learnt was more than I could take in; this sudden revelation stunned me...

All was at an end.

All the fair blossoms of my heart were roughly plucked at once, and lay about me, flung on the ground, and trampled underfoot.

My mother next day announced her intention of returning to the town.

In the morning my father had gone into her bedroom, and stayed there a long while alone with her.

No one had overheard what he said to her; but my mother wept no more; she regained her composure, and asked for food, but did not make her appearance nor change her plans.

I remember I wandered about the whole day, but did not go into the garden, and never once glanced at the lodge, and in the evening I was the spectator of an amazing occurrence: my father conducted Count Malevsky by the arm through the dining-room into the hall, and, in the presence of a footman, said icily to him: 'A few days ago your excellency was shown the door in our house; and now I am not going to enter into any kind of explanation with you, but I have the honour to announce to you that if you ever visit me again, I shall throw you out of window.

I don't like your handwriting.' The count bowed, bit his lips, shrank away, and vanished.

Preparations were beginning for our removal to town, to Arbaty Street, where we had a house.

My father himself probably no longer cared to remain at the country house; but clearly he had succeeded in persuading my mother not to make a public scandal.

Everything was done quietly, without hurry; my mother even sent her compliments to the old princess, and expressed her regret that she was prevented by indisposition from seeing her again before her departure.

I wandered about like one possessed, and only longed for one thing, for it all to be over as soon as possible.

One thought I could not get out of my head: how could she, a young girl, and a princess too, after all, bring herself to such a step, knowing that my father was not a free man, and having an opportunity of marrying, for instance, Byelovzorov? What did she hope for? How was it she was not afraid of ruining her whole future? Yes, I thought, this is love, this is passion, this is devotion ... and Lushin's words came back to me: to sacrifice oneself for some people is sweet.

I chanced somehow to catch sight of something white in one of the windows of the lodge...

'Can it be Zinaida's face?' I thought ... yes, it really was her face.

I could not restrain myself.

I could not part from her without saying a last good-bye to her.

I seized a favourable instant, and went into the lodge.

In the drawing-room the old princess met me with her usual slovenly and careless greetings.

'How's this, my good man, your folks are off in such a hurry?' she observed, thrusting snuff into her nose.

I looked at her, and a load was taken off my heart.

The word 'loan', dropped by Philip, had been torturing me.

Chapter XX

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